Today is POPO's Birthday! i just shock her with a sms. Few minutes later, she call me and say i am very guai, can remember her birthday. :)

我不知道我是不是还喜欢你。

At about 10am, me and da jie met in school to go collect our graduation attire from the 'Our Space@ 72'. After that, we than accompany shin to go for her interview at Braddle before we process our shopping for graduation. However, in the mid of shopping. It was a very co-incident that i see him. My heart was not filled with joy, but jealousy and hurt. He was with a girl, they were eg very close.

A mixture feeling, that i dont know how to express...

Days of sorrow....

3:52am

i just finish designing the Singapore 2010 Youth Olympic Games photo design. this project is a 'last minutes' work i received. However, just so surprise that i can finish up 2 different design from 12am till now.

slacking for awhile, i look back at the photos we took before.. i smile. even thought we may not be together, but the memories still last with happiness. You may not notice it, but its real. Hopefully, sooner i will forget about u. It just take time as what had happen few months ago.

ok! the dawn is awaken soon. GTG and sleep! Gd Night!

4:01am
Refuge - City Harvest Church

最爱-CHC

我爱因祢已先爱我得生因为祢的付出
活着因祢舍下生命原谅是因祢的怜悯

祢将自己全给了我宝血洗净我羞愧
让我重新得生命愿一生能更多有祢

我的最爱永远都是祢
生命气息因祢而延续
爱的喜乐这世上无人能夺去
与祢永恒约定 (耶稣)

祢爱降临祢爱降临
祢爱降临充满我

I just love the chinese version of this song. It is very nice and meaningful.

12:27am 03032010

Finally, after 2 days of video filming under a 35Degree Celsius. The shooting is finally over. The first days was super exhausted. We were at Kranji War Memorial for some scene shoot. And the weather were super hot! Everyone is having sun burn, especially the crew who are unable to rest much.

However during our second shoot at Lower Pierce Reservoir. At first, all things went smoothly. But when we change to the jungle scene, we were being chase out by the NPark. Lucky we than drove out to another nearest place to finish up the film.

Overall, the 2 days of film i actually learn a lot from them. As a assistance director, i know about the TC-In, Color Code.. and all those that is important. eg how to do different angle scene. It a new learning experience that i did not learn in my 3years in poly.

however, i really hope that the feeling will fade away after this 2 days of being together having fun. I not sure if its a right feeling i should have, but i just dont want to get hurt eg what had happen few months ago.

leg numb~~ body sun burn~~

once again, why am i having that feeling back??? I had try to forget this feeling for the past few months, and its really hard and painful. But why? why it come back again?

Can relationship problems just leave me alone?? i just want to live normally. I just dont know what my mind is thinking. Am i doing the right things? When i feel down, u show me somethings and make me happy. But i know, you do not know i am feeling unhappy. But why? Why is it this certain time?

However, thank you marcus.Even you do not know, but everytime when i am feeling down, ur conversation will make me cheer-up. its really very relaxing talking to u. All kinda of crapping jokes, laughter..

just want to forget it~~

this year is just a unhappiness in my life. tears and heart broken. However, i just hope after tonight, things will gonna change. Life will be better in my family. Hope everything goes well.


HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE! & HAPPY VALENTINE DAY!


13th - unhappiness
14th - hope for a better life

Again, today woke up late for school. However, its still i am the earliest to reach. Most of the others were at home. At school having meeting with shi hua on skype. About 3plus, i left school. Went to PS to meet daryl to purchase the movie tickets. 6.20pm, david came and join us for the movie. We all watch Avatar 3D. Hmmm to me, there wasnt a lot of 3D graphic. It wasnt that impressive as what it should be.

Now..... 12am, i gonna chiong my report!!! ELSE ShiHua gonna kill me tomol!!!

BYE~~~ ZZzzzzZZ....

slept for almost 14hrs yesterday. Body aching, leg swollen, finger numb. Anger release on yesterday's training. The sandbag was a good in a way to release my anger. Hhaha~~ Anyway had fun with marcus during the training and supper. Did a lot of duet kicking. Train momentum and speed. Oh man.. i need to start my flying sidekick and jumping backtrust already. Miss out this year IVP competition. Keep on training for National Competition. CHIONG AR!!!!!

at last the anger break out! all the things i say to him just want him to be optmistic, but he treat my words as a noise to him. We start to quarrel. Chasing me out. What had i done wrong? All i want is to have him back to the same person again. I feel like wanting to give him a few slap and walk away from him forever. When i quarreling with him, my heart cry out. Controlling of the tears. I HATE HIM!! All i want is a happy family back, but what u think of is to make the whole family vex and heart break. Why am i still so stupid to accompany u when i can just go home and sleep? you just dont feel glad or happiness. You think its easy for us to keep on having have the faith and energy to cheer you up/ talking to u about all the possible things? I just feel like giving up on you!:'(


anger and hate :'( :'(

Today was another super tiring day.
Was doing the report since yesterday, and than i caught a flu. I than took a cold medicine from Jing Hui, went to sleep at 7am.

At about 8.30am, JH came to wake me up. I faster rush to get a quick bath and zoom out to school for 9am meeting with Mr Edward. During the meeting, my mind is like shutting off. I keep trying to stop myself from dozing off. Until when the meeting end, i than rush my way to Mandai to attend a funeral.

1 hrs later at about 2pm, i took the HoGc shutter bus to paya lebar with Rebecc, Min Qian and Ting Ting. When we arrived at paya lebar, we took the train together. Some are going home, some lunch.. while me, heading to SGH to look after my him.

Now i am at SGH, i dont know what to do. Everytime when i talk to him, i had to control my anger, forget about the hate. All i want is to care for him, but i feel the rejection. Whenever this feeling come, i will remember about the unhappiness memorable that he had done to me. Why am i here?? I should be at home getting my rest and having my meals. Am so hungry since the morning and only took 1/4 of a kaya bread. I felt so tired!!! zzzzZZzz~

A very big thank you to the people who sms me and giving me care and concern. Eg Pastor, Marcus, Zhan, Wendy, Shi Hua

Especially a very big thank you to Pastor, who spoke to me and console me when i am in the hospital yesterday. Thank you Pastor CJ! :)

To Shi Hua, thanks for ur observation and read my blog. I am sorry that i wont be able to help u and jo. But i will be there for u all when you are feeling down. Even in this moment i cant help u both, but one day i will be able to. :)

Even thought i know its quite hard for me to get let the hurts and anger fade off. i will be strong.

Finally, thanks God for making the operation a successful one. :)

Today was a super tiring day.. After meeting Mr Edward to show our Prototype, i went back home to get some new clothes for the stay overnight at the loft. However, i than receive a sms from my mum that he is going to have an operation in 1hrs time. At that certain moment i wasnt sure what to do. Hurts and anger are still in my heart. He is now being transfer to the isolation ward.

While waiting for the bus, i tried to control my tears. At that certain moment, i was unable to explain what my heart and mind was thinking. He is the person i hate much, but i am still rushing down to see him.

When i reach the ward, i controlled my anger on him. But keep on encouraging him to live on. I tried my best to talk to him nicely even thought he is asking me to leave. My mum and i than waited from 8pm to 12am for the nurse to sent him to proceed to the operation room.

While i am walking behind his bed to the op room, my heart start to tears. I pray that he will come out safe, as this is the fifth op he undergoes.

Seating with my mum outside the operation waiting room, we start to quarrel about the solution after he is discharge. Agreement...Disagreement.... I just feel that i had to stop uni to take care of him. Even thought if i continue uni, i was so afraid i wont be able to concentrate. Decision still a pending.

After hours later, he came out from the op room. Back to the isolation room, when he see me, i got the scolding for staying and wait for his op to finish. However this time round, i just keep silence. As i know once i speak, it will be anger and tears. After few minutes, i than sent my mum back home and continue my journey to school loft. In my mind, i was just afraid the same situation will happen like the previous op. Having days in his own world. In his own imagination. I just hope that this wont happen, as its really tiring to go into his world and bring him out. Hope he will be fine tomorrow, and able to gain back his courage and start walking.

:'(

Hillsong-It's Your Love

I just feel that this song is really great. It touches my heart. Just want to share with everyone who read his blog. ENJOY! :)

Verse 1:
Upon the hill on Calvary
He came from Heavens throne
Our fallenness and mercy meet
Where blood and water flow

Verse 2:
What grace divine what selflessness
That Christ would bear the weight
Our proof is scarred on hands that bled
That we were worth every nail

Chorus:
And all the praise and glory to God
We sing Hallelujah sing Hallelujah
For the King has carried the cross
He is risen from the grave

Verse 3:
Beyond the tomb to holy skies
He rose in victory
And bridged for us the great divide
His life is our liberty

Bridge:
Its Your love
Its Your love
Its Your love
That has saved me

Its Your blood
Its Your blood
Its Your blood
That has cleaned me

Bridge:
Oh-Oh Woah Woah

Christmas Eve 24th December 2009

Woke up in the afternoon at 1pm, feeling so bored at home. Nothing is there for me to do. Initially is to meet JH to BBTC for enrollment. But wait for the past whole night, not having any reply message from him. Feeling so Piss off! However, life still goes on...

Switching on my television and felt asleep while watching Otok. At about 5.30pm, i went to prepare myself to go to RN for christmas countdown celebration. It was awesome to see the Czoner organise this event. Eg Zhen xuan, clement, debra... they are so young yet having a great mind of preparing this big event. Nevertheless, the food are delicious. Of course, it was done by our best cheif, Aunty Elanor (Pastor's mum). Her food is aways mouthing dripping. During the celebration, there were also some games, eg Can you remember the lyrics, Dance...

We also watch Slumdog Millionair before we celebrate the countdown. We also open an Spliking Juice that i brought. Everyone is enjoying and taking lots of photos. After the whole celebration and cleaning up of place. The Worship Team start to having their practise for the next day serivce. While sulin and me was talking at the staircase. It was a long chat and counciling.

Everyone than got out of church at 3am to go back home for some rest.

Lastly, i will like to thanks sulin for counciling me. And i hope Ting is doing fine at home too.

A Memoriable Day

11am, woke up and go to school for graduation showcase submission. After that had lunch with Jing Hui. During lunch, we both are keep on talking about some relationship stuff and many things in life.. After that about 5plus, ee jia came to my school and we took bus to her house. On the way home, we were talking alot. I cant believe that we are meeting after such a long period of separating from different country. Anyway, went to her house to play some piano duet and had dinner. After that, we went to vivo for some dessert. However, my inital plan was to have some chat by the seaside, but.... things did not turn in the right way. While on the way to vivo, Jian Long was keep on asking about where we are. And at the end, he came to find us at Secret Recipt. I dont know if i did the right things to let the both of them meet.

However, after the dessert Jian Long sent us back to Jia's house. I than went back to her house to make 'Tang Yuan'. About 10plus, we went down to the playground to continue our chat. Until it rain, we went up to level 28 and seat down. Spending 2hrs talking and talking about relationship and familyhood. I feel that it had been very long since we both seat down and chat for so long. Really apperciated the night and very memoriable.

inmotion featured

2weeks after being discharged from the hospital. Today, he is admit back again. During that two weeks, the whole family had to adjust our time to stay at home and accompany him. Everyone is so worry about him, but he just only think of himself. Not doing any exercise, but just seating down there for hrs.

Just dont know what he is thinking. Perhaps things are changing. Day by day he is getting thinner and look older. Now he is like as skinny as a bamboo stick. I just cant believe my eyes.

I wasnt sure what will happen next, as i am really tired of talking and explaining to him about his illness. From being hopeful to hopeless.

Mini viva had just over, now i am concentrating more on earning money for my income. Had been skipping schools for work for the past few days. However, i know that i will still need to brush up my school work. When will i earn enough money? Can i be a great successful businesswomen when i grow up? Will my health get worst than i will die early? EmoOoooOOoo~~~~~

whY why wHy?? what is going on??
how come my FYP group is like being control?
i wasnt sure if i am doing the right things or not?
i want to try my best to help but it seems like i am doing the wrong things.
are we thinking of different things? different ideas? i dont want just being control and not pushing our litmit.
how wish what i am doing now is being a kindness. Hope there isnt any misunderstanding.

haiz... super stress up with this and that. Dad is still in hospital, dont know how much money still need to spend. School is coming to an end, and now so many things happen. Seeing my partner feel so stress up, i dont know whats more i can do.

Can anyone just tell me what should i do??

8:49pm

Was at home the whole day. Dazying around the house, feeling something missing. Eat, Sleep, House work. Did not feel like going out of house. My mind is fill with fustration. Finding for peace. I hate him! A lier for months or even years, i am speechless by what he had done to us. I wonder why am i living in this place full or hurts.

Qiang birthday is coming soon. I do not know how to celebrate for him or i should not even go out with him. I afraid of many things gonna to turn out badly. During this few months, i had been thinking alot. I had neither mood in doing my school work, nor waking up to go school. I just wanna peaceful life. Living by the seaside, listening to music of the sea.

How i wish great things will happen. But... i had no faith in myself. Loner loner loner..

9:00pm

10:45am

Yesterday, i woke up at 11am feeling super tired. I drag my feet walking to the bus stop and get myself to school. I than spend $20 on making the student pass, just for the sick of the attendance taking.

After school, i went down to SGH to visit my dad again. Feeling to tired, i am speechless with my parents quarreling about my dad health. I thought yesterday he will be able to discharge from the hospital soon, instead of having good new he had to take a scan of his stomach. As the doctor afraid that he might have some blood cord or injury that cause him in low blood. I wasnt sure what is going wrong, but my mum is trying to convain my dad on taking the scope(which will be clearer) than having an X-ray scan.

Because of my dad stubornness, more and more money had to be spend on his childishness. thinking that he had lots of money and time to stay in the hospital. however, this dont only affect he himself, but the whole family that is worrying about him.(*which he think that there is no need to be worry of*)

I dont know what is in his mind. But i only can hope that he will recover soon and no more other illness.

10:57am

11:15pm

today is the 2nd day of school start. Am i am super tired. On monday night, i went to sleep at 11.30pm and than try to wake up at 7am. But in the end, i wake up at 8am. Went to school with tiredness, i sit in the studio and stare at the computer.

In the afternoon, went to have lunch eat cha kuay tiao with my groupmate. When we went back to the sound studio, so suay that mr edward come in to the studio and want us to do a cleaning up. All the Monitors and instruments were being shift to the incubation lab. And Zhi Hao had to wipe the windows. After cleaning the studio, i started to feel something wrong with my stomach. Than while going back home, i ran to the atrium toilet and have diarrohea. I took a cab back home with steven. Feeling so sick and restless, i took a nap and had diarrohea for 3times. I than reaslise that my health is getting worst. My illness is eg getting worst. But who cares, haha... just take on the medicine and continue to stay alive! :)

Hopefully tomol will get better, as i today did not go to visit my dad.

12:49am

1:26am

Woke up at about 1.30pm, i went to wash up and take my lunch. at about 2pm, i took a train down to SingPost for HoGc service with Rev Dr Ps Kong. During the praise and worship, i saw valerie playing on the keyboard. Wow, she is really great in playing. I hope i can improve and be like her. Playing the music in the house of God and healing people with my music.

Anyway the sermon was super great and amazing. It is like a life changing experience. Ps Kong preach about Job's life. Of how he put his trust in God and even his life ruin down from being a super rich and happy family person, become a poor,all family member die in just one day and his body start having some illness. But he is still having his trust in God. How much challenge satan had place in his life, he still did not hold on to any blameness in God, but praising God on what he had done for him.

During the sermon, i learn not only about trust but also obedient. He told us that Obedient and Endurencing is the crowing living of maturity. Its not easy to be obedient and having endurence. We must have perseverence -> character -> hope -> vision. Isnt it if we have this all, we are living a life of rightousness? having our faith in Him who bring us to where we are.

After service at about 6plus, we went down to the kopitiam to had dinner. While me and ting were chatting as we had our lunch. At about 7pm, i leave the place as i need to go SGH to visit my dad. The journey wasnt as easy as before, as i realise my leg seems to get worst during walking. However, i feel glad to see my dad getting better after his last operation.Praise God! I than sat there to accompany him until 10plus than i leave home as the road is kinda of dark and quiet at night.

1:42am
*Light of the City*

waking up late in the moring, i quickly took a quick bath and ran out to Alexandra Hospital for my Pysio appointment. Reaching there panting, i rest on the seat wait for my therapist to call for my name. Due to my ankle injury, i was only able to do 2 different stretching.

after the pysio, i went down to office to had lunch with delbert as its his last day in the office. We went down to bugis to had pastamania before we return back to office and continue our project. Reaching back to the office, i open out my portfolio project and do not have any idea for me to start my move. So i open up the ae file, trying on everything that i can do.. but in the end still did not get what i want. so i realise that there are much more for me to learn on video editing.

at about 7pm, i leave the office with delbert as he need to attend cg meeting while i need to go to the hospital to visit my dad. Finally after days of worries, my dad finally awake. however there are many medicine for him to consume. Its like 10 tablet at each time. But i am happy that he is awake and recovering. Hopefully he is able to discharge soon and able to walk smoothly. However, he might need to change to a community hospital which is much further to my house. OMG, how is my family able to go visit him daily. oh man... there are another of amount that need to spend on the hosptial bill. MoneY monEy moNey!!!!

how i wish i am able to earn money to help my family, which i should at this age. if i am talented it will be great.

11am, i woke up on my bed, getting myself prepare to get to school as i need to help out my friend to borrow out cameras for her birthday shoot. Reach school at about 1pm, went straight to get some present for sj as its her birthday and i did not had anytime to get a present for her yet. Initially, thought of getting her a chocolate which contain wine, but its all sold out. So in the end, got her a mint chocolate.

3 weeks had past... its going to be the beginning of the 4th week. My heart sank seeing my dad daily laying on the bed in the hospital. I did not want to tell anyone about my emotions, but to keep it in my heart. I did not want to trouble anyone as i know they cant help me much. :'(

3 weeks ago, seeing my dad talking and having a opimistic mindset being admintted into the ward. Until now, his health is getting worst. After his recent Major Operation, his mind started to get drown off frequenily. Everyday, i will see my mum go to visit him after her work. Helping him to wipe his face, talk to him so that he wont get bored. While my brother will go to visit him once in awhile after his school.

The atmosphere at home is dull. Everyone is having a bad emotion since the he went to hospital. Financial problem had come across into my mum's mind. As after my dad had discharge, he will need to stay at the community hospital for Psyiotherapy, which also cost a bomb to my family. What is more is that, he still need to undergoes the Daycare Treatment after his Psyio.

I wasnt know what to do, but my mind started to think of getting out of my studying life. As there is a need for me to go out and earn money to support the family. Nowadays, i had been trying to save money for myself to pay up the bill for my hospital leg pysio treatment. But i wasnt sure how much i can save so that i had enough for every treatment.

Day by day, my dad health is getting worst, after his 4th operation, nowadays he start to talk in his own world. His eyes wasnt able to open, he do not consume any food but keep on telling us that he is already at home and he still went to work. It was really difficult for the family member to ask him to take his medicine. Sometimes, he telling us that he is flying in his chair. Or he saw many of his old friends, heaven and hell came to look for him. I wasnt know what to do at this moment. But just to keep my mum accompany in the hospital, else she will be alone without anyone help.

This few days had been a tough time, my health is getting worst. And i can tell that my mum is feeling very restless and troubled in her mind. Than today, i saw my mum trying to pray for my dad. I wasnt know what was going on, as she asked me to go out of the ward.

However for me, i will pray to God that he can save my dad. On yesterday while i am on the journey to school, i remember that Zhan said before, if i wasnt know what to pray just remember 'PART' = Pray in tonges, Admint, Repent, Thanksgiving. While thinking of this word, i just started to open my bible and read about thanksgiving. I flip through Pslam6 and 11, and i pray to God about the Thanksgiving of my dad.

And on today, at service over in the new place. Pastor preach to us about thanksgiving. And this give me a confimation of praying to God about thankgiving is what i need. So i still during every moment in the worship i pray to God of thankfullness that He had given to me.

I really hope that my dad will really wake up from his coma very soon. And hopefully by next week he will be able to discharge from the hospital. Every of my family member wont fall sick. I wont need to go hospital for my leg treatment. My mum will not be restless everyday. I also wish that my family financial problem will be solve. there will be enough money for us to spend, for me to continue my studies. I hope everythings will come true with God help.